In 2013, I went through a difficult breakup and was desperately persuaded by my now wise wife to listen to an audiobook clip by an author named Eckhart Tolle. His German accent and references to religion created strong resistance in me, and it didn’t help that the book said “Oprah Winfrey Recommended.” As I walked to work through the streets of Oslo one warm spring morning, I pushed through part of the audiobook and despite the resistance in me, an idea managed to get through. I quote roughly from memory. “Notice that you have a voice in your head. It talks constantly and tells you what you have to do, what you have done, what you should have done, who you are and who others are. Observe this voice. Who are you? Are you the thoughts or are you the one observing?” This was an experience for me that got the snowball rolling. Where do these thoughts come from? I don’t seem to have much control over them. If I really decide that I want to be quiet in my head, even if it's just for a minute, this thought generator has zero respect for that. OK. So the thoughts go on and on anyway. What do I do about it, then?
To observe or not to observe
One thing I have experienced that I can control (a little). I can decide to observe a thought. Notice that what I hear is a thought. I do it by taking a breath and saying a word that has a special meaning to me. The first few thoughts are the easiest for me. They are more routine and easier to identify. “I have to remember to take the clothes out of the washing machine. Why am I doing this? What am I going to cook for dinner today?” But the longer I work on observing, the more creative the thought generator becomes and then I get pulled into them again. The thought generator does not produce random thoughts. It has received tons of input since you are an infant from everything and everyone around you. Do they define who I am, or do they just reflect the environment and genetics I have been given?
Don't believe everything you think.
Our daily challenges and problems often exist because we feed them through our thoughts. When we constantly think about our problems, they intensify and sometimes become overwhelming. But when we let go, they have less power over us. As Eckhart Tolle says, it is often “our thoughts about problems” that create suffering, not the situations we are in. By observing our thoughts without actively participating in them, we can reduce the emotional reaction we often have to our challenges. An example: I was at my mother’s for my 40th birthday party and as she was decorating the cake, she took a step back and fell down a basement hatch to the floor. Her leg broke and she had to be picked up by ambulance. When she came out after a few days in the hospital and came home in a wheelchair, she was in great pain after the surgery. Mom loves being outside. She loves walking, riding horses, she loves being with her grandchildren and tending to her wonderful kitchen garden. The thought that she would be disabled for the rest of her life, that her leg would burst due to the swelling, and that she would not have the retirement she had been looking forward to made the suffering complete. Having terrible pain in her leg is one thing. Having all her life's dreams shattered is something else entirely. So what is causing the suffering? The leg or the thoughts?
Just tell me what to do, then!
1. Meditation and mindfulness : Regular meditation practice (and don't sit still with your legs crossed) can help you observe your thoughts without getting caught up in them. When we practice mindfulness, we can also notice that thoughts are just thoughts—not truths.
2. Breath and Presence : Turning our attention to our breath gives us an easy way to get out of our heads and into our bodies. This can give us a sense of immediate calm and help us let go of the mind-wandering. Before it starts again. Because it always does. And if you think, “This isn’t working for me,” of course, it’s just another thought. What else could it be?
3. Observe without judgment : When a challenging thought arises, observe it as a neutral observer. What do I physically feel in my body when these thoughts arise? Little else in your life has changed in the last few seconds except for thoughts. And if you judge your thoughts, all that remains is new thoughts. This practice can reduce anxiety and worry, and can gradually build a stronger ability to be present.
Existence behind the thoughts
When we begin to live with a certain distance from our thoughts, we can also experience a stronger presence and a deeper joy in everyday life. And humor. Problems seem less dominant, and we are given the opportunity to face challenges in a more constructive way. We can feel more in touch with our true essence (or whatever you want to call it) – the part of us that is independent of our thoughts and feelings.
Experiencing the life behind our thoughts is a journey, not a destination. Sometimes we will notice moments of clarity and stillness, while other times we may fall back into old thought patterns. But by practicing presence and learning to observe our thoughts, we can experience an ever-increasing calm and balance.
Finding distance from our thoughts is not about running away from problems, but rather about facing life with an open mind and a calm heart. Through such a practice, we can find that the problems, although still there, no longer feel as overwhelming – they simply become part of the waves of life that we observe from the depths of our inner silence.